I can’t seem to focus or get my thoughts organized. I’m having flashes of déjà vu, as if only one foot were in reality, and one eye was looking out through a different window. Things are not happening in order in my head. I keep getting jolted back and forth and losing things.
This is not a brand-new malady- at least it isn’t for me. But my life is, at the moment, a bit of an Eat All You Can buffet, and my plate is heaped to the heavens. I can’t afford to drop any of it. I seem to be frighteningly close to stumbling. Again. I’m far too volatile. I need to stabilize.
First of all, I’m beginning to reconsider my path, which is alarming. This has occurred to me thousands of times already, and I have always heeded it and also have, as a result, shunted myself off into lots of very diverse directions. I’ve done everything short of becoming a professional assassin (which may yet be ahead of me) and I know that if I don’t stick to my guns in a single field- I’ll spend the rest of my life spinnin’ and grinnin’…. *breaks into song*
And to think, for the first time in a long time, I actually like my job. Not to the extent that I feel motivated and enthusiastic to go to work- I still have that AAAARRRRGH feeling each time I get up and go- but at least it’s not a feeling of dread or an intense desire to file a resignation letter. I’m not completely immune to the stress, but most of it bounces off, at any rate.
Yet there’s still that niggling feeling at the back of my head that a job shouldn’t feel like a job- that for the kind of person I am, it should be a field that operates almost entirely in the imagination. Perhaps I’ve never lost my idealism. Perhaps I’m in the wrong universe.
I suppose I should ignore this feeling and get on with Life.
But part of me will always be listening for a sound. That sound.